perfectionism
n.

1. blindness. it starts out innocuous. you have been gifted a new sword, and you are beyond enamored with it, and you hold it out at an arm’s length, and you marvel at its sharpness, and the gleaming sear of light off the blade that could cut air dazzles your eyes, and you do not see that the casual nicks it has already left on your hands and fingers, because, oh, how safe this sword makes you feel – how it sings to you of Control and Safety and Mastery.

2. till exhaustion. you test it out – the imaginary enemies fall like wheat before a scythe. you slash and laugh and how you do not notice the ghosts that begin to solidify faster than the sword sings, how an entire war’s worth of soldiers have filled the space around you, how the goal post moves further and further and further, how there is no end in sight, and how there is a strange quiet voice warbling of the lost center.

3. while trying to fight off self-abuse. why did you make this mistake again, why do you choose to suffer, why – do not listen, dear one.

4. and you look back to shore and realize how you unmoored you have become. you have travelled far from your roots, young soldier – the shape of “enough” and “success” have become amorphous as fog, you will travel voraciously and never be sated if you keep rowing and slashing – remember.

5. and you remember. sheathe the sword. you are not ready for it yet. take hold of your scythe-light again, remember your doves and your roots. press these words onto your heart – may i have peace – and tuck yourself into bed and begin the new-old-true tale: there once was a child who was making the best decisions she could, and she was only human, and she was only striving. and most importantly whisper to yourself the promise: i will not abandon you.